I start the day. The war begins. Images on the sidewalk speak of dreams decent. Washed away by storms to graves of cynical lament. Am I at the point of no improvement? I try to excel, but I feel no movement. Can I be free? A dirty canvas to call my own. Frustrated and tired, where do I go from here? I’ve been in hiding. She never slows down. She doesn’t know why, but she knows that when she’s all alone, it feels like its coming down. Here I am Lord. And I’m drowning. I throw up my hands. Oh, the impossibilities. The chains of yesterday surround me. I yearn for peace and rest. Scattered words and empty thoughts seem to pour from my heart. I’ve never felt so torn before. Seems I don’t know where to start. I’m lying with my face down on the floor and I’m crying out for more. Deliver me from all the sadness. She won’t make a sound. Alone in this fight with herself, and the fears whispering if she stands, she’ll fall down. In your picture book I’m trying hard to see, turning endless pages of this tragedy. I’ve been shut up, shut down, held out, held down in ways I never knew I would. I’m staring out into the night, trying to hide the pain. I’ve been burned out, broken, torn out, torn down in ways I never knew I would. She won’t turn around. The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down. Deliver me from all the madness. Calloused and bruised, dazed and confused my spirit is left wanting something more than my selfish hopes and my selfish dreams. No one told me the right way to go about this. So I’ll figure it out for myself. I may never know, so I’ll just give until there’s nothing else. Deliver me courage to guide me. She wants to be found. The only way out is through everything she’s running from; wants to give up and lie down. Deliver me your strength inside me. No one ever told me how bad I need you. But I somehow arrived to that conclusion all by myself. Now, I’m searching for the confidence I’ve lost so willingly. Sometimes it seems like all I ever do is ask for things. Until I ask too much of you. I don’t want to end up where you found me. I need to change, but something’s got to give. Time and time again, your truth is drowned out by the storm I’m in. It’s never really crossed my mind to turn my back on you, my only shelter from the storm. But the miles are getting longer, it seems, the closer I get to you. Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away from you leaving me this way. Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear. Well, I’m going home, back to the place where I belong, and where your love has always been enough for me. So I pray bring me joy, bring me peace, bring the chance to be free. It’s now that I feel your grace fall like rain from every fingertip washing away my pain. I still believe in your faithfulness. I’m not running from. No, I think you’ve got me all wrong. But these places, these faces are getting old. I still believe in your truth. I’ve not always been the best friend for you. Still you hear me when I’m calling. You catch me when I’m falling. You’ve told me who I am: yours. I am yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above because you are much greater than my pain. You who made a way for me, suffering your destiny, so tell me? What’s a little rain? Your love remains true and I don’t know why. You always seem to give me another try. Who am I that the Lord of all the earth would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt? I am before you, broken. And it’s only you, no substitutes, who can renew this soul again. Can’t stop, won’t stop praying for desire. You’re telling me there is no hope. I’m telling you you’re wrong. So won’t you move me like you used to? It’s a whole new day as the darkness fades. And the sun is climbing in the sky. I concede, my love, that I need your love. Now that you’re here, now that I’ve found you, I know that you’re the one to pull me through. Search my heart, search my mind, search my soul. Make me clean, make me new, make me whole. Sculpting every move, you compose a symphony. You plead to everyone, “See the art in me!” All of my plans, all of my dreams, I lay them down before your feet. All of my time, all that was mine I now submit to your design. Because you were the only one that gave it all away for me. I can feel your fullness in my life. One day at a time I will walk this road I’ve traveled so far, one day at a time I know I will carry on. I still believe your holy word. Even when I don’t see, I still believe, though the questions still fog up my mind with promises I bear. Give me words to speak. I can’t think of anything worth saying, but I know I owe you my life. Every night, everyday, I find that I have nothing left to say. So I stand here in silence awaiting your guidance. I’m wanting only your voice to be heard. Even when answers slowly unwind, it’s my heart I see you prepare. Love is all around now, so take a hold. Let the world crash. Love can take it. Love can take a little. Love can give a little more. Love is indestructible, so take a hold. He says, “Sometimes hard to find a reason good enough…I’ll stand beside you, never leave you through it all. And faith will bring a way to the impossible. Take a look over your shoulder. I’ll be standing there.”
Archive for October, 2007
a busy week|end
It’s only Monday night and I think this is already one of the longest weeks I’ve had. We had quite a bit of company in town this weekend with some of my family and D’s parents in town. It was fun, but non-stop. I don’t think we got any down time. We did a bit of shopping, and checked out some new bars, which was cool. I met some of D’s dad’s cousins (however, I was told I met them at my wedding, but that is something I don’t remember…)
Today was back to reality, although it started out pretty rough. We watched game 4 of the World Series with D’s parents and their cousins last night and by the time we got home, it was midnight. I finally fell asleep a little after, but was soon woken up by the piercing noise that is our fire alarms. (Big building=very loud and obnoxious alarm). It was a false alarm, but it was a while before they let us back in. I finally got back in bed and fell asleep around 2:15 or so, but was rudely awakened a short 4 1/2 hours later by my dumb alarm clock. You see, classes were canceled today because of teacher meetings. Even so, I got up at the butt crack of dawn to meet Nicole and Kayelene at the school to go shoot a project due next week. We didn’t make it very far before the camera broke and we had to return to school. Nicole left to head home, and Kaylene and I took a short break, agreeing to meet back at the school when the darkroom opened at 2. I tried to take a nap, but by then, the sun was too bright and I had no such luck. I went over to the school to meet Kayelene at 2 and we worked straight through until about 6:30. See? Crazy. Even though Monday isn’t even over yet, I already can’t wait for the weekend…one that is filled with homework!
weekend plans & musings
It’s been a weird day. Not only did I actually get some work done and feel productive, I found myself zoning out and daydreaming a lot today. I’m not sure why. Started thinking about old friends and family. There are a lot of people that have meant so much to me that have drifted or taken different paths. It’s discouraging to know that I have no close girl friends anymore. I mean, I had some great ones, but then life happened. Susan is great and we are definitely getting to know each other better. I would definitely say she she is becoming a good friend, but friendships take time. I’ve always been inpatient in that area. I want to me someone and be instantly close to them. Sometimes that almost happens. My friend Kelli and I hardly knew each other before the missions trip to LA. Once we got back, we were great friends. Of course, throwing two girls into watts with a bunch of boys will definitely make you close. I guess I’ve just been craving that ‘best friend’ relationship lately that I don’t have. Don’t get me wrong, D is still my best friend, but it’s completely different than having a girl friend. A new small group at church is starting soon and I think I’m going to join it. I’m hoping that it will open up opportunities for other friendships to bloom. (Sorry, I know that’s a little chiche.)
This weekend should be a nice change of pace for us, though. D has been busy with work, and me with school, I feel like we’ve hardly seen each other. I told him he needs to take me on a date so we can actually spend time together! This weekend, though, I’m sure we’ll get time. With family, of course. D’s parents are coming to town for the weekend, and my sister is coming for a day or two. We’ve only seen his parents once since we moved up here, so it’ll be fun to see them. We tried so hard to get World Series tickets for them (and us, too!) since they’ll be up on the right weekend, but to no avail, they were gone. Of course, one of D’s friends got some tickets and offered to sell us one. So, D is going on Saturday night while I entertain his parents since they will be in town. We’ll see how that goes. I’m just super jealous that he is going and I’m not.
friends & santa
I didn’t realize it had been so long since I had written. Things are going well. To start out, I must say that I did better last quarter than I think I have ever done in my schooling career. I made out with all A’s! I’ve never had all A’s before. It felt good!
As far as the new quarter, I’ve been really busy. I’m taking 5 classes and my load has about doubled from last quarter. I’m loving it, though. I’m getting to spend a lot of time in the dark room this quarter, which I absolutely love, but we are also doing a lot of digital illustration, too. D’s been keeping busy with work and friends. I try to get out of the house as much as possible, but it seems I’m always either working at the school or buried in some book for a quiz. I’ve actually got a lot of homework to do this weekend, but I’m looking forward to a few breaks. I think tonight we might actually get to spend with some friends that came into town for the weekend. We haven’t really seen them since we moved up here, so it will be good to see some old familiar faces whilst having a few brewskies..
I went to BeerFest last week. It was so much fun. Susan had a couple of free tickets and asked me to go with her. There were over 2,000 beers there to try. Steamworks was there, too! I told them that I used to live there, and they ended up giving me a whole stack of free pint coupons. I was super excited, especially since we’ll be down there for Christmas.
I’ll be going back home to Wray the first week of November (and then back again for Thanksgiving…). We’re having a going away dinner for my grandparents. My grandpa is being ’stationed’ in Cleveland for the winter. He’s super excited, and it sounds like my grams is getting excited now, too. I hope they have fun, and it will be good to get to see them one last time before they leave. They won’t be home again until the day after Christmas. My grandpa has one last gig in Wray that weekend before he leaves, and also asked me to come down and do the pictures for it. I’m excited, even though it’s a low pay (like, nothing!).
